I’m in my hotel in Lima, OH working the Just Jokin Comedy Cafe.  It is a fairly new club and doing really well.  I am having a great time.  The shows have been pretty full and good crowds.  Laughinlima.com is the website.  I am working with John Roy and John Lewis.  Good guys.  If you have a few extra bucks, I must recommend going out and getting the DVD of “The Best of the Larry Sanders Show.”  It is just great.

    So I am normally pretty calm on the road.  I sort of let myself slip slightly last Wednesday.  I really had to get to the car dealership before they closed.  It is super hard for me to find time when I am in town and not busy to get my car there when they are open and I had an appointment on Wednesday after work (yes, I’m still working part time at “the bank”).   It was a horribly shitty day… that’s nothing new.  I got royally F-ed right at 5 when I am supposed to leave.  That set me off right there.  So I just take off.  I leave, I get in my car, I pass some dumb-ass going 30 on a 45mph road and he honks at me.  That annoyed me.  Then I am next to a bus, both of us in turn lanes.  The light changes and I jet out and switch lanes right after the turn.  It wasn’t illegal, but it wasn’t really polite either.  The bus driver lays down his horn on me.  I think about and then decide its a good idea to reach back to my back window and give him the finger.   Ya know some people might say that’s dumb.  Yeah, its dumb, but its kind of like punching a hole in the wall when you’re in 4th grade and you die in Super Mario Brothers:  It’s not productive, but it feels so good.  Anyway, all of the sudden my cell phone rings.  Its a guy I work with.  I don’t answer it.  Voicemail chimes.  I check my voicemail and it was the guy I work with saying, “Uhh, Beehner?  You just flipped off my bus-driver.  I’m in the bus right behind you and I just watched you cut him off and then give him the finger.  See you at work tomorrow.”

    Oh, one more thing.  If anybody has a good response to your girlfriend asking you, “What do you think about when you masturbate?”  please e-mail me.  I am convinced there is no GOOD answer.  I can tell you what not to say.  First of all, you probably think the “right” answer is “you, sweetheart.”  It’s not.  That’s when they laugh at you and say, “That’s sweet, but, no seriously…”  Also, don’t say, “Just people I see through-out the day.”   That’s just not a good thing to say.  And also, don’t just say “I don’t know, famous people!”  in hopes that that will satisfy the curiousity and end the conversation.  It won’t.  It opens a box so full of endless teasing that you wish you had responded to the original question with “Your sister.”

    Today is my brother Scott’s birthday.  I am going to see him later today because I recently had what we in the comedy business call a “shitty fall-out.”  It happens, but works out great for me as I get to see my brother on the anniversary of him falling out of my mom’s butt.  Yes, I know where babies come from.  Actually, a few years ago I was having what I thought was a serious debate with my cousins about whether there has ever in history been a case where a lady comes to the hospital because she thinks she is going to have a baby only to find out she just had to take a humungous dump.  My uncle overheard the seriousness of the debate and asked what we were discussing.  He’s a doctor.  After I told him my theory, he gave me a firm, “No.  No, that’s not.. that couldn’t… there’s no… no, Johnny.  …No.”  He’s probably right, but that would be funny.   The doctor pops up from behind the sheet, “It’s a tuuuurd!”

    Not a lot is new.  I will be on the road quite a bit the next couple months so that is good for the ole’ career.  I am actually writing the entry as a form of procrastination from editing a video for out May 11th Gentlemens Hour show at comedysportz in Milwaukee.  (we still have shirts for sale!)  I have been listening to a lot of podcasts lately.  I really like Jimmy Pardo’s podcast, Never Not Funny.  I recommend it if you travel or just listen to podcasts while staring at your wall.  He was talking about something hit home with me and I really agree that I think it is true for a lot of comics.  Now, I don’t know why a lot of comics get into stand up, but I do think a lot of comics are insecure.  I have a blast on stage and I really think that is when I am most comfortable.  I have been stressed about situations in life and stuff and thought about what I need to do to handle them or whatever, and then I think about getting onstage and that ALWAYS excites me.  Granted, I have only been doing stand up about 7 years now, but I really do feel its an addiction.  If you are a stand up comic, I don’t know how you stop.  It’s like a smoker and smoking, but it isn’t bad for you at all!

    I’ve got my share of horror stories, but I haven’t been doing it so long that I have become bitter, and for that I am thankful.  I do still get excited to get up there onstage.  A lot of people would think that a comedian would be the life of the party… at a party, for example.  If I’m with a bunch of people, I want nothing more than to be the life of the party, but if I don’t know them, I am the shy guy that beats himself up inside his head for not saying what he’s thinking of saying, but missing the window of opportunity to say it because he was running through it in his head too many times just to make sure it didn’t sound stupid… all the while staring at a tv or faking interest in something that isn’t even really going on just to look like he belongs.  That is me.  How do you act around people you don’t know well the way you act around your friends??  You can’t fake it.  It all boils down to insecurity.  I’m a turd.

    Well, have a fantastic weekend, everyone.  Stay tuned for hopefully some new videos and stuff on the page soon.  I have got a lot of shows and footage to rummage through to update the site and possibly master a new cd one of these days.  We will see.  I don’t know that the demand is necessarily there yet.  I would like to put out a cd and then scrap that material and start working from scratch.  I know comedian Jim Norton tries to go my that philosophy and he is a great.  Who knows, stay tuned either way.  Wow, now I’m rambling.  Good night.

    My landlord/ housemate is losing her dog tomorrow.  It’s gonna be a sad day.  Vegas is moving to Green Bay to live with his original owner.  And my housemate, we’ll call her “Carol Lynne” just for the sake of the story, is very sad.  It’s wierd because Vegas has no idea its his last day here, but CL does.  So Vegas is super happy he is getting treated so special today for no reason as far as he knows.  CL just let him out in the back yard to say good bye to Earl, the neighbor’s dog.  I was just watching them for about 10 minutes and let me just say, if I was saying good bye to my friend, I wouldn’t spend the whole time knocking his balls around with my nose… I wouldn’t leave that out, don’t get me wrong, but I would also hope to get some face time in there, too.  Vegas has been a good dog, except for when he shoves his wet nose in my new pants and gets em all dirty.  Oh, here is a question for all of you out there:  If your friend starts crying because she is going to miss her dog, is it rude to ask her to go in the bathroom to cry because you don’t know how to respond to that??

    Well, one month until The Gentlemen’s Hour’s SIXTH show!!  It’s gonna be a good one, kids!  Bring everyone.  And if you don’t have a job, be sure to watch us on Fox 6 Wake up on the morning of our show, May 11th.  Myself and fellow gentleman, Mike Kauth will be appearing on it.  Oh, and my guestbook is up and running!!!