I’ll be performing a showcase at the Improv in Schaumburg, IL tonight.  That is a beautiful club.  I was watching TV last night and I saw an ad I have seen many times before and I just don’t get it.  Text flirting…  How is this even real?  I have thought about this a lot.  Text flirting is the only form of flirting in which it is possible for the person you are flirting with to actually be a man with a penis in his mouth WHILE flirting with you!  Think about it.  If you were at a bar flirting with someone, you would EASILY be able to tell if the other person was a guy with a wiener in his mouth.  And if you were flirting over the phone with someone, even if its an 800 number, I am confident that you would at least be able to tell that something isn’t right if it was a man with a doinker in their mouth.  “Are you eating something??”  But when its all via text… I mean Come on!  Oh, well.  Ignorance is bliss, I guess.

I am heading down south for a short stint of shows later today.  I don’t mind heading down south, I have had some great shows down there, but I must say, in general, I am more well-liked in the midwest than down there.  I worked with James Sibly down there last time I was down there and after a show, right in front of me, a guy said to James, “Oh man, as soon I heard your accent (southern), I knew I was gonna like you!”  So apparently, that’s working against me.  I’ve really got nothing to say tonight.  I just thought I would log on, and see what hilarious brilliance flows from my fingers as I type.  Unfortunately, it’s nothing.  I could put forth some effort and try to come up with sometime funny, but its after midnight and I have got to get some sleep as I’ve got a long drive ahead of me.  Oh, I did go see Brian Regan in Green Bay this past weekend.  Holy shit, is that guy good!  I guess his days of the comedy club are over according to a few articles, so if you see him coming to a town near you, he’ll be playing a theater, and you have GOT to see him.  He’s the greatest.  I think its fairly safe to say that very few would argue that statement.

    I finally feel unpacked and that is a nice feeling.  I live in a new place and that “in transition” feeling is wearing off.  It’s still a little different and sort of weird just because I am living in someone else’s home.  But it works out for both of us.  I am going to be auditioning for Last Comic Standing next week in Minneapolis.  I have zero expectations for that, but you gotta do that stuff.  I figure it can’t hurt.  I made about 1.5 seconds of airtime in season 2.  Some people like it, some hate it.  I honestly have never watched an entire episode.  Wish me luck, though.

    I just put some posters up in my new room.  Deciding which posters make the wall is a very tough decision.  I have so many posters and they are all fantastic, but only so many can make the wall.  I decided on the following: a huge 4ft x 6ft  Spiderman movie poster, the Dumb and Dumber movie poster, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom movie poster, Superman II movie poster, and Superman III movie poster.  I think this is the first time my Ace Ventura Poster has not been up.  I only have so many movie poster frames so I rotate posters in and out.

    I had a pretty productive day today so I think I might treat myself to going to bed early.  I have been pretty happy lately and that’s exciting.  I think its important to figure out what you want in life and go for it, and since I have pushed my way further and further into the world of stand-up comedy, I have really felt like I have direction.  Growing up, I had NO idea what I wanted to do.  I wanted to be so many different things at different stages in my life, its’ nuts!  I have wanted to be a priest, a teacher, an engineer, a restaurant owner, a ninja, and just so many other things.  Yeah, of course I wanted to be an actor or a rock star, I think everyone has wanted that.  But I sure am glad I stepped on that stage in New York 8 years ago.  It’s funny, even throughout all of college, I didn’t know what I wanted.  I was in the college of Arts and Science, then Engineering, then Communication, and ended up in Business.  I graduated and just got whatever job I could to pay rent… and I am still at that job.  Granted, I have worked myself up to a more valuable position than when I started as a temp, but I do think one thing that has allowed me to survive doing what I do for so long is just the knowledge in the back of my head that I am on my way to something I love.  I’m not really on my way, I am DOING what I love, pretty much every weekend, too.  I think I’m in a good spot because I have always looked back at times in my life that I thought were great and reminisce about them or wished I could go back to when it was great, but I am pretty happy with life right now.  Obviously I am striving to move forward, but I am also not ignoring the fact that I am very happy right now.  I have a lot of great things in my life.  Holy shit, what the hell am I doing?  I journal on my computer as well as update my website and so I sort of got onto journal mode.  Well, there’s a peak at how I feel about my life for ya.  That could all change tomorrow of course if I get a parking ticket or someone at my job sarcastically says, “Hey John, don’t look so happy” right after I wake up from my lunch nap.  (sidenote: I think the people I work with think I smoke pot on my lunch-break because I sleep in my car and come back in looking very out of it and my eyes are all red)

    What’s the deal with toothbrushes!?  Am I right, people?  This guy knows what I’m talking about!  I mean think about it, it’s not a tooth and its not a brush!!   Hey-ooo!  Alright, friends, I am going to copy and paste this blog session into my journal and hit the sack… then go to bed.  (I think that is the 3rd or 4th time I have done that joke on this website)  Thanks for reading.  Next time, hopefully it will be hilarious.  I think the problem is that when I write something I think is really really funny, I decide to use it as material instead.  Well, except that story from the below blog.  That is just too hilarious to keep from anyone.  I have told it onstage, but that’s just a good story… and a true one.    Hey you know what sucks.  I had a joke about being so lonely I bought a GPS just to have someone to talk to, and my female physical lover partner pointed out that that is now in a commercial, so I probably won’t use it anymore.  Oh, and I do see the irony of that last statement.  So you know, the joke was about how I was lonely BEFORE I met my female physical lover partner… and yes, I refer to her as my female physical lover partner.  No, I am not bragging, I just forgot her name- Good night, Milwaukee!!

What a great day!  So like I mentioned below, I am moving (have moved) into my co-worker, Carolynn’s, house.  It’s an interesting situation.  I was very stressed out because I didn’t have a subletter for my old place and I had to pay rent at both for March so I was desperately looking for someone to take over my old lease.  Yesterday, a good man decided to live there.  I met him at the old place today and all he had to do was sign the newly drawn up lease and write a check  and I hand over the keys.  We were the kitchen area and he was reading over the lease and initialing the pages.  I then let out a silent little fart.  I didn’t even think anything of it.  It was totally silent.  Then he was about to sign it and he all of the sudden goes, “What stinks?”  I go, “Huh?  What do you mean?”  He goes, “Something stinks.”  And then he starts opening cabinets and looking under the sink and stuff.  I go, “That’s wierd,” and start helping him try to find the source.  Then I said, “What does it smell like?”  and he goes, “I don’t know, like rotten food, or something.”  Then he starts looking in the fridge and the oven and stuff.  That’s when I think he realized I farted because it must have gone away and he goes, “Hmm, maybe I imagined it.”  Bragh-hahahaha!!   Yeah, right!  Who just imagines fart-stinks out of the blue!??  He smelled the fart and didn’t realize it was a fart til after he said it, so he was just being nice to me.  Josh, if you are reading this, you are a good man and thank you for still signing the lease even though I dropped a “good-bye egg” in my kitchen.