I went to my buddy Zach’s bachelor party on Saturday night.  It was quite the adventure.  I hadn’t been in a school bus since probably gradeschool.  We took the ugly yellow bus from bar to bar to bar.  It’s kind of risky to do that when you have 10 severely drunk guys and nobody really making decisions.  We didn’t have a buddy system or anything.  Jimmy, so sorry about that, by the way.  Don’t worry, the second half of the bachelor party wasn’t as fun as when you were with us.  Hope you made it home okay.  That actually really did happen.  I was talking to my pal, Gip, the next day and I said, “Hey, didn’t we leave Jimmy at some spanish bar on the south side?”  Gip said, “Yeah, but then I saw him like 3 bars later and he came up to me saying, ‘you guys left me’.”  Anyway, a good time was had by all.

    My adventure started the next day.  First of all, I felt like garbage.  Then me and Gip realized we had to eat.  We went to Quizno’s, looked at the menu, and decided to just go get a frozen pizza instead.  We go to Pick N Save in Gip’s car and I get a bunch of pizzas.  We pay, we go home, no keys.  I have no keys.  I JUST used them at the check out for my value card thingy.  We go back, they do not have them anywhere.  I leave my number in case they find them.  We go home, track down a bunch of people at my apartment complex and get inside.  We watch Family Guy for about 3 or 4 hours, then Gip heads home to Chicago.  I realize I have a voicemail so I check it and it was Pick N Save.  Some guy named Frank had my keys.  He found them in his pocket when he got home.  He was handicapped so I had to go get them, according to this Pick N Saved voicemail.  I call Frank.  Wow.  Frank has the communication skills of a shoe-horn.  He tells me about 7 times that he is handicapped and tell me very vaguely where he lives around.  I try to get an address from him, but he just keeps saying things like, “By the chinese place” and “big building” and “can’t miss it.”  He tells me it is around the 32o0 block of Oakland Ave.  I realize that is as close as he will tell me.  I get in my car (with my spare valet key) and go.  I call him when I get around there and see nothing he described.  Then he changes it to the 3800 block, and then within 5 seconds changes it again to the 3400 block.  I am asking him over and over what his address is.  He is very flustered at me for not being there and tells me just to pull over and ask somebody!!  I hold in my growing frustration and ask him what exactly I am supposed to ask somebody seeing as how I don’t have an address!  He, once again rattles off a few key phrases like before, “big building,”  “I’m in the lobby,” and “I’m handi-capped.”  And I’m so dumb I actually did roll down my window twice asking people walking on the sidewalk if they knew where I was going!!   It always went the same way, “Hi, excuse me, can you help me?  I’m trying to find a big apartment building.”  “What’s the address?”  “Umm, I’m not sure, but it big and its around here.  They guy told me it was either off the 3200 or 3800 block of Oakland?”  “I don’t know.”  “Ok, take care.”  Eventually I find it by getting lost and being nowhere near where he said I should go.  I pull up next to the lobby and see this very old, very unhappy looking man standing with a cane in the lobby through the door.  I go in and pleasantly (as this guy has my keys) say, “Hi, are you Frank?”    And here is how the conversation went from there:

“What the Hell was the problem!?!?”

“Excuse me?”

“What the Hell took so long?!?  I told you were I live.  Jesus Christ!!”

“Ugh?  I don’t know.  I had a hard time finding it.”

“Well, Jesus Christ!  I’m handi-capped and I’ve been here waiting!  And what the Hell are you keys doing in my pocket anyway!??!”

“I’m not sure how you got them.”  (This is where he handed me my keys… and then went on a rant about how annoyed he was that he had my keys… oh, and he reminded me a few more times that he was handi-capped and said “Jesus Christ” a lot.)  Finally I just had to stop taking this abuse and said extremely calmly, yet curious,

“Wait a minute.  Are you saying that you think I PRPOSELY put my keys in your pocket??”   (The look on his face now was just pure hatred to me as he said the following:)

“What the FUCK!  How dare you, after all the effort I go through to get you your damn keys, you’re gonna accuse me of taking them!  Yeah!!  Yeah, I PURPOSELY took your keys!  Why the Fuck would I take your keys, goddammit!?”

    The whole time he was literally screaming at me after hearing something that nobody said, he was slowly making his way towards me and I honestly thought he was going to try to hit me with his cane.  Now at this point, I had my keys.  This guy was obviously not a well-liked man.  He was your typical cliche “You damn kids, get off my lawn” old man.  I wanted really badly to mess with him, but I didn’t.  I said, “Well, I appreciate you getting them to me” and he yelled some more at me saying, “Yeah!  Yeah, I bet you do!”  and I left.  A lot of things ran through my head after he had began his cursing tyrade at me.  Here is what I wish I had done, I wish I had waited til he was done screaming and was waiting for my answer, and then I would politely tell him, “Frank, I like pancakes.”  I don’t feel bad telling this story because, first of all, I did nothing wrong, and second of all, I highly doubt this 200 year old man that doesn’t know his own address will be surfing Johnny Beehner’s personal website anytime soon.  He doesn’t even know my last name.

    This is my favorite part of the story, I almost forgot it.  When I first called him and told him I was Johnny and that Pick N Save gave me his number and told me he had my keys, he asked me to describe them.  WHAT?!?!?!  “Well, umm, they’re keys….. they’re on a keychain…. if you take your keys out of your pocket and look at them, mine look like that.  They’re KEYS!!”   Why would someone call someone hoping they were hanging onto some random keys that they had NO idea what it goes to??

In regards to my update from last night, I would like to say something.  I did not cry watching the Notebook.  I did, however, just cry watching an old episode of 24.  I have recently started re-watching season two of 24, the greatest show ever made for tv.  I just teared up watching the episode where Jack Bauer has to fly a nuclear bomb into the desert and purposely crash the plane to save the country.  While he is in the air, he is put in communication with his daughter so that he can say good-bye to her.  It’s truly amazing.  I don’t cry watching tv or movies because that is ridiculous.  24 is an exception.  So is Superman part one when his earth father dies.  Speaking of Superman, I recently purchased the ultimate collectors 14 disc box set of Superman that recently came out.  I love it.  It includes the Richard Donner version of Superman II.  This is the version (well the closest possible) he made before they fired him and brought in a different director.  It is really quite different and, in my opinion, better.  How cool is that to get to see an almost completely different version of one of your favorite movies that is about 25 years old!?!?  I recommend you watch it.  It has been said that it is only about 1/3 the same as the Superman II we have all seen.  I would say that is about true.  The plot is the same, but there are some major differences.  Just see it.  Speaking of superman, I have a new profile picture up on my myspace page.  I like it.  www.myspace.com/johnnycomic

    I just watched the movie The Notebook all by myself.  First, let me explain.  I don’t know why, but months and months ago I put it in my queue on Netflix because there was really nothing new out and an audience in Kentucky, I think it was, unanimously agreed that I look like the guy in it (in the middle of my show, mind you).  I don’t see it, but whatever.  Anyway, time got away from me and I got home this evening and it was in my mail-slot.   I had a lot I need to get done this evening so I said, “Oh, fuck it,” and I put in the movie.  First of all, that is not a good movie to watch alone… or at all, for all that matter.  But seriously, if you don’t have a significant other, do NOT watch this or any movie in this genre.  I hope movies like this don’t make girls think life is like that.  It’d be nice if it was, but that movie is very unrealistic.  And, NO, I am not talking about the happy ending crap, I’m talking about how there is no way, a soaking wet guy could carry a soaking wet girl up the stairs while his pants are around his ankles.  I mean come on!   A lot of things do seem very romantic in movies, when they are actually quite the opposite in real life when you really get down and do it.  Take showering with a girl, for example.  I don’t know how many times I have watched this video of two lesbians taking a shower together and thought to myself, “I wish I was one of those girls.”  But you know what, it doesn’t work like that.  When it comes down to it and you’re in the shower with whomever, one of you is freezing!

    Anyway, the movie just got over a little bit ago, and so I thought I would share my thoughts on that with you before tying this noose to my bedpost and jumping out the window.  … Wait a minute, what am I talking about!?  I can’t do that!  I don’t have a bed, just a mattress on the ground.

I’m in Memphis, TN working at the Comedy, TN club with Chris Cannon.  Last night, we had 2 great shows.  Quite a few drunks at the 2nd show, but that’s good for keeping me on my feet.  I’m working out a bunch of new stuff so that’s good.  I actually just woke up from 12 hours sleep.  I sure love being on the road.  I guess the 12 hours balances out my 0 hours of sleep for the past 2 days.  I love being in bed.  Is there really a better place than in a bed?  So much neat stuff can happen there, ya know?  Speaking of taking a dump, don’t you hate it when you go into a public restroom and you see that, not only did somebody not flush, but there’s no toilet paper in the toilet!!  That always makes me wonder, especially when I see there is a full roll next to the toilet.  Hmmm.

    Oh, I signed my second boob last night.  I had to use the mirror in the hotel bathroom to see what I was doing, but it looks pretty nice.