I do like being on the road.  It is a lot more difficult to discipline yourself when you have the freedom that you have on the road.  For example, it is 2:47pm and I woke up at 12:30pm today.  So far, I have watched the end of Elf, the first half of Liar Liar, and I am currently enjoying The BodyGuard.  This movie is quite intriguing.  Whitney Houston used to be pretty hot.  Oh my gosh, now she is making out with another bodyguard just to make Frank Farmer jealous!!  Poor guy.  Anyway, last night I was up til almost 4:30.  No, I wasn’t out partying it up, I was watching Armageddon.  That is a long movie.  Like I was saying, it is hard to stay disciplined.  When I work a full day at the mortgage company, it is easy for me to feel like I have been productive because I get up early, I go somewhere, and I do “work.”  On the road, I have to make it a point to get certain things that I want done done.  I like to make lists.  Certain things I like to get done in order to feel like I didn’t waste the day are: write, e-mail my bookers, exercise, masturbate, and read.  As long as I do those five things, I am satisfied, or at least one of those things five times.

Myspace can be very annoying. I just wrote a very long blog on my myspace page (www.myspace.com/johnnycomic) and when I clicked to post it, it froze and took me back to the myspace home page. I clicked “back” and it was gone. It was blank. That is extremely annoying. Oh, well. I do have great blog up there about my recent hotel experience that, if you haven’t checked out yet, you really should read. I am having a good week. I am in Greenwood, IN performing at OneLiners Comedy Club. It’s great. Last time I was there was probably over 4 years ago when I was working with one of my heroes and friends, Greg Hahn. He put a lot of faith in me and brought me on the road for my first feature road gig. It was a blast. I pretty much sucked, but it is kinda cool to see how much you grow as a comedian in a short time. Last night I played Texas Hold ‘em and lost after 36 minutes. I wasn’t mad because the guy that ended up winning was my friend Conor. Yes, that is right, Conor. Hi Conor.

    I was at my mom’s house for Easter and she had cleared out my old room for a guest room.  All of my nostalgic crap from high school and growing up was thrown in an attic room.  I went into that attic room and grabbed a box of old memories.  I have been going through the box and its really interesting.  I haven’t looked at some of that stuff in a looong time.  I feel like everything I thought was cool should have been a private guilty pleasure… But the main thing that caught my attention was all the old mix tapes from my high school girlfriend.  I haven’t thought about her in a long while.  I was a freshman and she was a senior.  I know what you are thinking, “Wow, Beehner… she must have been a nerd!”  Wrong!  I was, in fact, a huge stud.

Anyway, we dated for I think about 3 years.  So obviously we made each other a million mix tapes.   I was listening to some of them while I was cleaning and all I can say is, “wow.”  We were kinda dumb.  First of all, and I am not just making fun of her (I actually always kept a copy of any mix I made for her so I have those, too), we had certain songs that are on every single mix!!  And I am not talking about “Lost in Love” or “Can’t Smile without you” or any other acceptable love song.  Those songs are actually not on any of the mixes.  No, we liked to put 311 on every mix and “She Don’t Use Jelly” on every mix.  Each mix pretty much consists of the same songs and maybe 6 or 7 new ones.  I was very romantic in high school.  Here are just some of the songs that I put on mixes for her: “Detachable Penis,” “DateRape,” “At a Medium Pace,” “The Penis Song,” and “Hangin’ Tough” (I assume that one was a joke).  Pretty cool.  I am not going to make fun of her, but I will just point out that I think some of the choices for songs she put on a mix she made for me for our 33 week anniversary are… interesting.  “Regulators,” “Fuck and Run,” “Talk Dirty To Me,” and “She Thinks His Name is John.”  That last song is a really old song by Reba McEntire about a girl that slept with so many guys and eventually got AIDS.  She doesn’t know who it was that gave her AIDS, but she thinks his name was John.  I miss high school.

Well, I am heading out of town for a while tomorrow.  Please keep signing my guestbook.  It’s great to hear from you.  Actually, an old high school/ gradeschool friend signed my guest book recently, but I can’t contact him cause I don’t know his email.  So email me also if you want to keep in touch.  Thanks for reading, everyone.

    Happy Easter Eve, everyone!!  I am in Omaha visiting my mom and family.  I performed in Clinton, IA last night with Brian Green from Milwaukee.  It was a lot of fun.  It was a convenient little last minute gig to pick up some gas money on the way to Omaha.  It really was so great to work with Brian in front of an actualy paying audience for once.  Usually Brian and I only cross paths at the Milwaukee Broadway Theater showcase on Thurs nights, which is a great little show, but more of a chance for comics to work stuff out and see each other than it is a show for a paying crowd.  (Its a free show every thurs at 9:30pm)  But it was really fun to watch him kill with his “club set” that I don’t ever get to see.  It was fun.

I had to go to the doctor today for some family research osteoporosis project for the University my mom works at.  Turns out I have superb bone strength!!  They took blood, or as they kept calling it “DNA.”  That made me a little nervous.  When I think of blood, I think, “Oh no, I have a bloody nose,” or “hey, what’s that all over my stool,”  but when someone says DNA, I think, “Mr. Beehner, we have made a clone of you and it is on its way to kill you.”  I was asked to sign a release for them to store any leftover “DNA.”  What would you have said???  When she put the form in front of me and stared at me, I got a little freaked out.  Do I want people to have DNA of me?  What can they do with it?  What do they WANT to do with it?  I signed it because I was a little uncomfortable being stared at like that, which I guess is a horrible reason to sign away your DNA.  I think I was over-analyzing the situation because they will probably just put it in a test tube in a freezer with a sticker that says “some kid with superb bone strength.”

They also did a bone-scan.  This was wierd.  I walk into this really dark room and they have a catscan-looking machine that you lay down on and a big huge arm like thingy that comes down over you and scans over your whole body really close to you.  As I was laying on it being scanned, I wondered for a brief moment if this whole “bone scan” machine was fake and if it was really just a machine that checks to see if you have a boner.  I suppose it would have been kind of neat if, instead of the nurse saying, “Good news, Johnny.  Your bone strength is very high and osteoporosis is not a threat to you,” she said, “Good news, Johnny.  You have a boner.”

I know I gave an update yesterday, but I just wanted to let anyone reading this know that I threw a couple new videos up on the site on the videos page.  One of them is my new tv show that I am hoping gets picked up, called “Fitness with Beehner.”  We’ll see what happens.  I really like the new look of the site so a special thanks to Ryan Fitzgerald for working with me on that.  Last night at Penguins comedy club, the first show was pretty much a nightmare.  I have never been heckled by having a bunch of frat guys just randomly shout out MY last name and then duck down really quickly so many times.  I have given up trying to understand how some people’s minds work when they virtually ruin a show for all those people that paid $12 sitting around them.  I feel bad, but I will never figure it out.  The thing that blows my mind the most is when they come up to you after a show to make sure everything’s “cool.”  I just… I have NO idea what logic they are following. Whatever.  The show was fine, people had a great time, but pretty much everyone walked out hating those frat guys.  I feel the most sympathy for Brett Erickson, the headliner!  That guy is a champ!  He handled it like a pro!  When I was up there, they would yell their random nonsenical remarks and I would laugh at them, at how dumb they were being.  And I would move on.  It wasn’t until Brett got up there that it escalated.  Brett burned them right off the bat and it was great.  There was no way to start the set without addressing this huge issue, so he did and he took care of it.  They were quiet for a while, then started up again and that is when I watched as Brett was given no option but to just ask them what the hell their deal was and why they want to ruin the show for everyone and explain how comedy was not meant to be in the style of ‘joke- slam heckler - joke - tell heckler to shut the hell up- joke’ and so on.  Anyway, I salute Brett Erickson.  He is my new hero.

    I am sitting in the lobby of La Quinta here in Bettendorf, IA.  This weekend has been quite a treat!  I was supposed to be working with Angel Salazar here at Penguins, but apprarently he took another gig in NY so I am here with one of my favorite fellow comics, Brett Erickson!!  What a treat.  Holy crap, Thursday night, I was a MESS.  I don’t really think of myself as the total ‘party-your-brains-out’ type of guy, but Thursday night it just sort of snuck up on me.  I was hanging out with Nick Anthony and Brett and the staff of Panguins.  Next thing I know I am passed out on a bench outside behind this new bar we had at some point got taken to and its pouring rain.  I was very drunk, but at the same time I remember what was going through my mind as I just stared at my shoes for about 45 minutes.  “Dear God,  please don’t make me stand up.  Please don’t make me try to communicate with any human being any time soon.  If I can just sit here and look at my neat shoes for the rest of the night, I will be happy.  I really don’t think I can stand up without dying.  I love sitting.  I am so happy right here.”  Then my cell phone rang and I headed back into the bar.

My website updates have taken place.  I definitely think it looks better and works out well.  I just have to get my resume and a couple promo materials on the resume page.  Well, thanks for checking out the site and hope to see you at a show.

Hey, check out www.mkeonline.com !!!   I will be on that web site for about a week.  If you are in Milwaukee, grab a hard copy!  Yay.  Off to Bettendorf, IA!

It is good to be home.  I just got back from Findlay, OH.  There is a cool new club out there called Barrel of Laughs Comedy Club.  Good time.  I worked with my buddy, Mark Poolos.  He is always great.  Actually, I JUST got back from Giggles out in Germantown where I featured for Frank Caliendo.  That was a lot of fun.  What a crowd!  I really don’t have much exciting news to say today.  Sorry.  I am still upset about losing an hour to daylight savings.  I drove home from Findlay through the night so I am totally wiped out.  As far as working out goes, I am surprised with myself.  I have actually kept it up.  I am not going nuts, but I have worked out a couple times since my last entry and I am very pleased about that.  Keep checking the site as one of these days, some updates will be up here as far as a new picture and some link changes.  Should be good.  Nothing too major, but some fine tuning.  Hope all of you out there are having a wonderful day.  I am going to bed.  Sign the guestbook.