Hey everybody, just wanted to let you all know how I am doing in regards to getting in shape.  I must say, it is not easy.  I was telling my brother, Luke, as I had dinner with him the other day, I recently decided to try to work out more regularly and TRY to eat better again.  This usually lasts about a day or two so don’t bother congratulating me as I will probably be at a McDonalds when you do.  Anyway, I went running the other day.  I knew it would be hard to get back into it so I decided to just run a measly mile or two.  It was TOUGH!  When I got back, I thought I was goign to die.  My legs, heart, lungs, and throat all hurt.  So did my ARMS…  from running!!  I don’t even think I know HOW to run!  Anyway, I felt pretty good about myself for doing it.  Then today as I was driving home, I past the spot I ran to, so I thought, “Oh neat.  I will reset my odometer and see how far I had run.”  I had run almost one third of a mile.

I am pathetic.  That means that if I had run twice what I did run, I would have only run a little bit more than one FOURTH of what I THOUGHT I ran!!    Oh, and I got really bored while I was running!  Do you even have time to get bored in a third of a mile!!  Anyway, I would love to write more, but I am heading out the door to go to Famous Dave’s for some wings and ribs with my friend, Courtney.  BUT… I am gonna get a water instead of a soda!  … No, I’m not, nevermind.  I love soda.

    New blog on   www.myspace.com/johnnycomic

    Today was a great day.  I learned something and I would like to share it with all of you.  If you are ever going to take a pie in the face, make sure the pie hasn’t been sitting out for a while before it gets thrown in your face.  One would think it would look like a classic “pie in face” bit, but if the cream on top has been sitting for a bit, it will look more like you were just doused with white paint.  Either that, or like a huge sea-gull just took a massive dump on your head.  The key is to top the pie, and splatter it immediately.  I will be featured in the April 6 edition of MKE magazine.  I am not sure if it is a magazine or more of a newspaper.  Anyway, that is how I learned the lesson.  The girls that did it did a great job, though.  We learned together.  I am pretty excited about that, should be a good article on Milwaukee comedy.  Actually, after it comes out, I will scan it and throw it somewhere on the site.

Last night, I was walking around La Crosse and I saw these two big guys walking toward me. on the sidewalk.  Also it should be noted that I had a bad case of, well, I had Taco Bell for lunch and it had just turned so…. Anyway, I was afraid that if I got mugged, I would shit in my pants.  So I said a quick prayer to God that I not shit in my pants if I get punched in the stomach.  The guys passed me and I was safe.  A few minutes later, I realized that I never prayed not to get mugged.  I just prayed that I don’t shit my pants if I get mugged.  I am not a super religious person.  I try to be and I try to pray sometimes, but I think its tough for anyone to constantly be thinking about God.  Do you ever make little bets with God?  I ask this because obviously I have.  Do you ever say, “Okay God, I think you are great and I believe you are out there, but can you just give me some sort of little stupid sign just so I know you are paying atention to me?”  Like if I am driving somewhere, I might say something like this to God, “Okay God, really simple here.  If you are listening to me, make the next car that goes by a blue one.”  A few minutes later, a car will pass and it will be blue-ish purple.  It might be blue, it might be purple.  I am colorblind.  That is when I realize that God works in mysterious ways.

My buddy Conor and I are in pre-production of a new cop-drama.  I don’t want to give to much of it away.  I just want to tell you to stay tuned.  Oh, and I switched up the media page a bit.  Now the children’s pilot that I made and submitted a while back is no longer the Special Hidden Crotch clip.  It is on the main media page.  The new hidden link leads to something much more dangerous…

If you have checked out my myspace page lately (myspace.com/johnnycomic), you know that I hate Geico with a passion. How can such a small part of my life, like car insurance, have such a tight grip on the rest of my life?? What would you do if you were FORCED to pay $466 per month just to insure your shitty car that you owe twice its worth?? Whatever, I have already spent too much time and effort on that whole bullshit situation.

Today I was at the ole’ daily grind. This is a funny story, but you will have to put up with a bit of set-up, so bear with me. I was in training. Training consists of me sitting in my cubicle and calling into a conference call that connects me to the instructor as well as 19 other people wanting to learn about underwriting or whatever. Anyway, also I log into a website that connects all 20 of us to the same screen. Its like a virtual classroom or whatever. Well, the instructor starts talking to all of us and says that he has enabled the toolbar on the screen so we all now have the ability to scribble on the screen and doodle and everyone can see it. Everyone went nuts and was goofing around including the instructor and drawing smiley faces and cartoon dogs and stuff. So I clicked on the text icon and selected the smallest font and wrote typed the word “rape” really small in the lower right hand corner of the powerpoint slide that we were all looking at and doodling on. All of the sudden, I hear someone on the conference call go, “hey!” and I knew they had seen it. And THEN I realized that everyone’s ink on their doodles or texts was a certain color that matched up with their name! Then I panicked big time. I couldn’t erase it as I had already clicked somewhere else on the screen so I just clicked near it and tried to add onto the word so they might think I was trying to write something else. All I could think of was to add “roo” at the end, turning “rape” into “raperoo.” No, I don’t think rape is funny at all. I don’t know why I typed it. I think subconsciously, I just wanted to try to see if I could get away with writing the worst thing you could possibly write and have nobody know who did it. That was before I realized the color code. Nobody ended up calling me out on it or even saying anything about it after the initial “hey,” but everyone knew. I know this because everyone else stopped doodling and the instructor kinda just got started with the training at that point. It doesn’t really matter as all those other people were all over the country on this conference call. People in Michigan, California, just all over. Oh, well. It’s funny because at first I was just glad that I didn’t draw a little wiener instead, but then I got to thinking… I did type the word “rape” for no reason. Maybe a little exaggerated cartoon penis wouldn’t have been such a bad idea.

    Thank you so much to everyone that supported me at the Marquette show at the Weasler on Thursday!!  I had such a riot!  It was really a special night for me.  My former improv group, the Studio 013 Refugees, and my bestest bud, Conier Sterbienz opened for me.  That was awesome.  The best part of the night was that my damn brother flew in from LA to surprise me for my show!!!  I walked into the showroom from the lobby and there he was!!  I had just gotten off of the phone with him thinking I was talking to him in LA and there he was!  Thank you, Scott.  I was hoping to get a great professionally taped promo tape and I hired the MUtv crew to tape it and they did, but unfortunately the mic system failed right at the end of Conor’s set and were out during the first 15 minutes of my set and apparently the camera guy had to switch batteries 6 times during the show.  Oh, well.  Live n learn.  Everyone that helped me out with the show was great.  I am actually going to be putting probably one or two clips from the show up on the site in a few minutes.  So check out the media page.  I also threw a pic up on that page of me and my brother, Luke, who I pulled up on stage to embarrass briefly.  Funny story, if ya missed it, I no longer have permission to tell that story.  Talk to Luke.

I had a show in Muskegon, MI at Rossi’s.  That’s always a fun show.  I’ve been there a few times.  I am embarrassed to say it, but I got into a bit of booze and… I didn’t so much sleep through the open auditions for Last Comic Standing season 4 as I stayed up drinking past the point of when I was planning on leaving to head out there.  Oh, well.  I got my 2 seconds in the spotlight in season 2.  I would have loved to gone down and done it as I have been really fortunate when it comes to competitions and my only goal was to make it to the night show again (as I assume like most, that the grand winner, or at least final however many, is already decided.), but there will be other opportunities.  Plus it was snowy and I remember quite vividly standing out in the cold for hours for season 2 and it was not fun.  Oh, well.  Gotta do what you gotta do.  In my case, get drunk and stay up all through the night, then pass out on a buddy’s couch.  Okay, I am gonna go back to watching the Oscars.  I can’t wait to find out who won Best Make-Up Artist.  I am going to bed after that one.  Good night, everyone.

HOLY SHIT!!!  I had to log back on because Howard Berger and Tami Lane took it home!!!  Can you believe that shit!!?!?!!?  I thought for sure David Leroy Anderson and Lance Anderson were gonna go home with the little golden man.  Wow!  What a surprise.  I can’t believe it.  Ya know a lot of people think it was all just popularity contest, but I guess we know now that it is all about hard work and good honest make-up design.  God Bless America and God bless the Academy.  Good night for real now… I can finally sleep.

    Yikes, I am embarrassed at how long it has been since I have last rambled on here on my website.  In my defense, I have been very busy with a move.  I recently moved out of my own place and into the house of a co-worker.  Interesting situation.  One bathroom… need I say more.  Oh, it’s a female coworker.  Word of advice to anyone heading into a similar situation:  Don’t take a dump in the toilet while she is in the shower.  It seems like it should be okay, but its actually really rude.

    I had a fantastic weekend at the Comedy Cafe with Mike Toomey, Scott Tolaney, and Patrick Schmitz!!!  I had a blaaaast.  Okay, anyway, I am in the middle of unpacking (and have been unpacking for a week now)  so I better get back to that.  I will try to update again real soon.

Well, I am excited.  Tomorrow is my big show at Marquette University!  I cannot wait.  I hope my expectations don’t far exceed what will happen tomorrow.  It will be fun to work with my buddy Conor again.  I always have a riot when we both get to perform.  I apologize that your name is not on all the ads, Conor.  I am also excited to see the new generation of the studio 013 refugees do their magic.  I really have nothing funny to say tonight.  I am pretty tired.  I thank everyone that is planning on going to the show in advance for your support.  If you have not already, please feel free to sign my guestbook.  I am always looking forward to new comments from NEW people…  Let’s just hope that this new guestbook doesn’t get bombarded with spam like the last one.  That was too bad.  I miss the ole’ girl.  okay.  goodnight, buttholes.