Did you guys see 24 last week on FOX????   Holy cow, it was awesome!  In case you missed it, go to my media page, scroll to the bottom and you can watch it!  It’s really awesome!  Also, I apologize to anyone who lost their submission to my guestbook.  I am making some changes to the website and the guest book is pretty much going to be revamped, so I had to temporarily remove some submissions.  In the mean time be sure to check out the 24 clip on my media page.  I didn’t really put a lot of time into my entry about working with Emo Philips as I got home so late each night.  If you haven’t heard of him, get one of his cd’s or at least check out his website.  If you have a fast connection, you can watch a LOT of clips on his site.  I linked his site to mine under links also.  He has been performing for 30 years and he is just one of the best joke-writers ever… and performer!  He is very unique.  You never get bored watching him.  I watched him do 4 shows pretty much in a row and was just in awe through out all of them.  Even though it wasn’t in some big auditorium or theater, this past weekend was really a milestone in my comedy career.  There are a lot of comics I would love to work with and meet and Emo Philips was definitely one of them.  And after 30 years, it is just so cool that he is so cool to everyone.  Emo really went out of his way to make me feel great and was just overly nice to the staff and after the last show, he stuck around and chatted with the fans and took pictures and signed anything they wanted.  Fun guy, fun guy.

I actually got into a small car accident on my way to the comedy club on Friday.  I was racing there and, as you people around here know, we had a bit of weather that day, and traffic on 94 was just dead slow.  I actually made it to the club at 7:50 for the 8pm show!  Anyway, I was going probably 10 mph and I just couldn’t stop.  So I slowly ran into the guy ahead of me and then about 5 seconds later, I was hit from behind.  We all got out, agreed there was no damage anywhere, got back in our cars, they drove off each in their jeeps, and my cavalier began to slide down into a ditch next to the shoulder.  I was really freaking out.  After screaming my voice hoarse in anger (thinking I would miss out on working with Emo which I had to postpone our original Gentlemens Hour sketch show in order to do) I called AAA and told them my situation, then I somehow sqiurmed my way back on the road while on the phone.  I just told the lady after 5 minutes of descriptions of where I was and what was wrong, “Nevermind.”  click!  And I was off on my merry way.

Now is a good time to remind you all that we (the Gentlemen’s Hour) do have a show at comedysportz in milwaukee on February 3rd, a Saturday at 10pm!  Should be great!  It will be mostly sketch, I think some video.  We have a link up on the www.comedysportzmilwaukee.com page, I believe.  Also, we have the myspace page, www.myspace.com/thegentlemenshour so check that out, too.  Speaking of plugging things, I sure miss my friend, Conor.

I don’t know why I am trying to write right now.  I am exhausted.  It is about 2:16am and I just got home from Madison.  Holy cow, I just worked with one of my comedy idols, Emo Philips.  That guy is hilarious.  And not just funny, but really smart jokes.  I guess that would be obvious as he’s been at it for 30 years, but still.  He is toooo funny.  I was really excited to meet him and he really is a nice guy.  Hopeffully tomorrow I can try to get a picture with him if I remember.  Also, I worked with Prescott Tolk.  That guy is good!  I mean really good.  He is going to be on Premium Blend on Feb 10th.  He has a lot of really smart jokes, too.  I bet you will be hearing about him some time soon.  That guy is really funny.  Really laid back and just a cool guy.  Okay, I am going to go to bed before I do a face plant right into the keybgjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj

    My good buddy, Ben, asked me what I wanted for Christmas a while ago.  I didn’t know what I wanted.  He said LOST is a great show and he would get me the DVD set so I was all excited.  Today, I was at work and a package from Ben came to me at my work address.  The lady who handles mail gave it to me and could tell I was very excited.  I went back to my cubicle, opened it and took the DVD set out and looked at it.  I held in my hands the DVD set of “The Cosby Show Season One”.  At first, I had a good laugh because, let’s face it, that’s just funny.  But I left it on my desk the rest of the day and so many people walked by saying stuff like, “Oh, cool!!  You got the Cosby show.  I loved that show!”  Folks, I loved that show, too, don’t get me wrong, but I have no use for this DVD set to be a permanent fixture in my dvd collection.  So I start feeling bad telling everyone that I think I am going to return it.  Then the lady that does our mail comes over and asks what I got in the package.  (I guess I should tell you at this point that the lady who does our mail is black.)  I told her “the cosby show,” and she got very enthusiastic saying how she loves that show!  I should have just said, “me, too.”  For some reason I told her, “Yeah, I think I am going to return it at lunch.”  And for some reason, when she looked at me and said, “What?  Why???”  I felt like I had offended her.  She just seemed disappointed.

I just got home and it is about 1:21am.  I performed at the Broadway Theater in Milwaukee.  It was a blast.  I had an alright set.  It is fun to perform there and just screw around and work out new stuff.  If you are in Milwaukee, stop by.  It goes on every Thursday night at 9:30pm.   Tony B Miller hosts it. Eric Price went up tonight and he just kills me.  That guy is some funny shit!  Okay, I’m little drunk and I am going to bed before I type something stupid like:  You ever notice how your penis looks like a mushroom with pimples all over it?              Good night.

Today I got home and decided to pretend I was Jack Bauer from 24.  I was walking up to my door and I just had a sneaky suspicion that terrorists were in my apartment.  So I snuck up to the door, keyed in, did not turn on any lights, tiptoed ever so quietly over to my desk with my hands and fingers in gun-formation, snagged my laptop under my arm, and crept into my bedroom with it.  After securing the room with the lights still out, I crawled into the corner behind me door opened up my laptop, and here we are.  What a rush!  I recommend you try it.  I have always had a really good imagination, but as I have aged, I found less and less use for it.  When you are young, everyone always encourages a good imagination.  If you are an adult and you use your imagination, (unless you are a writer or actor) you are pretty much a liar.  What good is it as an adult?  When I was little, I remember pretending I was He-Man on our family swing-set.  I would yell out, “I have the poooower!!”  and my parents and their friends would say, “Oh, that is great.  That kid has one great imagination on him!”  When I do that today, people are like, “Johnny, you’re a dildo.”

    I went back to my alma mater today to eat dinner with my beautiful brother, Luke, this evening.  I sure miss that place.  It was a lot different when I was there.  It was comforting to know that the lunch ladies at the dorm where I resided for 3 years still remember me after me being gone 4 years.  Its fun to look at your life and see if where you are is where you thought you would be.  I think its safe to say that most people aren’t where they hoped they would be, but hopefully most people are on their way to that place or are happy with where they are, whether it is where they thought they would be or not.  Personally, I am pretty happy.  There are definitely parts of my life missing that I thought and hoped would always be there, but there are also things going on that I never would have imagined would be happening to me!  Like what, you say?  Umm, actually, I just made that last part up so this entry didn’t seem so dreary.  Wah!  Wah!  Actually, with the new year starting, I took a look at my earnings for comedy and I am very pleased.  It’s nowhere near being able to live on yet, but if I look at the percentage increase over the last 3 years, it is great!  I have made I think over 3 times as much in 2005 as I did in 2003.  That says something!  I don’t know how full-time features do it, but I guess it’s possible.

I am supposed to be writing funny stuff here.  I like to use this space to hash out stupid ideas and get them down to work out, but I am pretty much just diary-ing or whatever here.  Actually, I just wrote a blog on my myspace page that I think could be very enlightening to young stand up comic hopefuls.

    Last night was a blast!  I am in Cedar Rapids, IA working Penguins Comedy Club with Reno Collier.  He is a great guy, very funny and very cool.  Man, last night was a nice reminder of how fun doing this really can be.  The one nighters are fun (sometimes, not), but to work in a nice club with a great staff and an awesome crowd is just such a nice treat.  Its always great when you find yourself running out of time and wanting to squeeze so much more in, as opposed to the other way around.  It was fun hanging out with Reno, he has done a lot of overseas performing for the troops, which I would love to do.  Anyway, he told me he knew I was cool because when I gave him a ride to the club he saw my “Support the Troops” ribbon-shaped magnet on my car.  I started laughing because I knew he didn’t read it, he just saw it quickly.  I do support the troops, I’ve got/had some good friends over there, but my magnet actually says, “support farting.”

So last night was great and tonight should be great, too.  We’ve got 2 shows tonight which I am excited for.  Things are really going great for me.  I got in the shower this morning and found a quarter stuck to the side of my ass.  That’s always the sign of a good day… and a rough night.  Well, I think I am going to take a nap now.  I put in a long day.  I woke up 2 hours ago, went and ate chinese food, watched some tv, and updated my site.  I will probably throw a picture of Reno and I on the media page tonight or tomorrow.

By the way, I love that snickers commercial with the bald guy trying to hide the fact that he is bald by wearing 5 snickers bars on his head.  Kills me every time!

    I am in my hotel room in Burlington, IA.  I know what you’re thinking… No, I don’t.  I bought a wireless card so now I can look up porn ANYWHERE!!  (Speaking of porn, here is a word of advice:  Don’t set your little brother’s homepage as poopsex.com even as a joke.  Espcially if he lives at home with mom and his is the only computer in the house.  It saddens me to say that it took more than just saying, “It was a joke” to convince my mom that I’m not ‘into that.’)  Today was pretty uneventful.  Did a lot of driving, sleeping, and… using my wireless card.

Yesterday was a horrible day.  Just horrible!  I had to experience 3 of my most loathed tasks!  First of all, I had to drop my car off at the shop to get fixed.  Thank God my #1 best life-saver friend let me stay at her close-by house while they worked on it cause it took FOREVER!  So I got my car back, went to the sprint store, which I hate with a passion, because my 2 day old phone is not working right.  They tell me I have to leave it with them for an hour which made me nervous because I had a 4 hour drive ahead of me and didn’t want to be late for the show.  So I say, “fine.”  I go to the mall and try on jeans AGAIN!  I don’t know why!  I should have learned my lesson. (see December 30th, 2005 entry)  It was pretty much the same experience again.  I am an idiot.  Okay, crap, I gotta put some pants on and head out to the show.

Ps. I apologize for the shotty camera work on the Marquette Show clip on the media page.  My friend, Gip, and I are still trying to track down the camera-person to kill them.

    Tomorrow I head out on my Iowa tour.  Hazzah!  I am pretty excited for that.  How long after January 1st do you think it is appropriate to tell New Year’s Resolution jokes??    In regards to my last blog on Jan 5th, I apologize to anyone who got sad and “couldn’t think straight” after reading it.  I didn’t mean for it to be a bum-ya-out session, I was just writing what was on my mind.  To continue with that topic, though.  I was very sad that day, as you could tell, but I think it is funny how God can throw you a bone every once in a while.  Perfect example: I was all depressed that evening and I was on my way to a show.  I had to eat dinner so I pulled into a Wendy’s.  I go in and ask if they still had those bacon cheddar melts. (those were sooo good!  If someone put a gun to my head and said that I had to choose a kind of sandwich to have sex with, I would respond by saying, “I would have sex with a Wendy’s bacon Cheddar Melt… again”)  The kid doesn’t know if they still have them so he gets the manager.  The manager comes over and says, “Sorry, we discontinued those.  You missed them by about 2 weeks.”  I said, “Oh, I didn’t miss them.  I had plenty of them, I just wanted another one.”  So, as a second choice, I order the triple cheeseburger meal… cause I am on a diet.  So I go sit down all by myself and eat my fries and drink my soda and then the manager comes over and says, “Hey buddy, I made you a double bacon cheddar melt.”   And all my worries and sadness just seemed to float away.  How nice was that!!  It was like, I was so sad, feeling sorry for myself thinking, “Oh, man, what’s wrong with me?  I can’t believe she likes some other guy.  I’m never gonna find my one true- IS THAT A CHEESEBURGER?!?!   WAAA-HOOOOOO!!!!!!”

The sad part is, after he gave it to me, he goes, “Do you want a bag for the other sandwich?”  And I said, “ummm, no.”  And I ate my double cheddar melt, with a triple cheeseburger as dessert.  I have no excuse for that kind of behavior.

I am putting some new stand up video up on the media site right now so check out the new clips.  One is actually a tribute to my roots at Marquette.  I thought I was so talented and I really didn’t know much about stand-up, but it sure is fun to watch those old tapes and cringe.  I put up a clip from my show at Marquette University at the Weasler Theater from April of 2002.  The other new clip is about my time on jury duty.

One final thing I would like to mention as I am not sure if I will be able to update this while on the road.  I recently attended my good ole’ buddies Conor and Liz’s 2nd daughter’s baptism!  It was a celebration of love, water, and babies.  A word of advice to anyone that invites me to their baptism:  Johnny Beehner probably shouldn’t be the designated photographer.  Here is how I realized this.  I was asked to take some pictures with a very, very nice digital camera (12 megapixels!!).  I gladly accepted.  The ceremony began and I tried to take a picture of them in the procession.  That was when I realized that the picture on the screen was rather fuzzy.  I tried and tried to take more and zoom and whatever, but it didn’t get better.  I am pretty sure that the camera somehow got switched into “watercolor” mode!  I don’t know why cameras come with these alternate styles, but I couldn’t switch it.  I tried to go to the menu page and everything, but it is kind of embarrassing playing with a loud beeping camera during a mass.  Now Conor and Liz have many beautiful pictures of what Sadie’s baptism would look like if someone painted it with watercolors.  I cannot apologize enough.

Well, it has been an interesting day. I found out last night that my ex-girlfriend has a boyfriend. Granted, we have been apart for quite a while, it still really stings. We are still really great friends. It is so weird how knowing something can totally change the way you feel. I had even suspected it as she usually ceases initiating communication with me when she is either seeing someone or hears a false rumor about me seeing someone. But just knowing (she pretty much told me), is strange. As dumbshit as it sounds, I am happy. I am happy for her if he makes her happy, but also happy for me because now I can go out and chase some exotic tail without wondering if there is still a chance for me and her. And when I say “chase some exotic tail,” I, of course mean, “masturbate while crying.” Actually, this is best. We were perfect together, but we wanted different things. I honestly believe that is the most difficult kind of break up there is. You both love each other, but you both know you need different things to be happy, even though each other is one of the things you think you need. Well, my thing is comedy and as almost any comic can tell you in regards to having a relationship and pursuing comedy, good fucking luck. I am not blaming her or anything like that, just to be clear, I just don’t think I could make her as happy as she deserves to be if I am always on the road and traveling (and broke). She was willing to make it work and we tried for a while. Anyway, enough of that. Now I have to come up with a bunch of lies to tell myself to make myself feel better about how doing comedy is better than having a girlfriend. Lie #1) Who needs boobs when you can have some drunken hillbilly dipshit yell, “Do scooby doo!!” when you are in the middle of your set that has nothing to do with impressions or Scooby doo.(true story) Lie #2) What better way to end a long hard day than to crawl into bed and snuggle up to no-one and reflect on how your “new shit” didn’t go over very well. Lie #3) If you ever get lonely and sad, you can always tell yourself a joke. Hooray!

I am having a great day today. I got booked at OneLiners in Greenwood, IN which I worked with one of my comedy heroes and inspirations, Greg Hahn, about 3 years ago. I have been trying to get back in there for quite a while and finally today, out of the blue, got a week in April! Then this evening, I got booked at the Lincoln Lodge in Chicago, which I always have fun at. So that made me pretty happy. I also am happy because I bought the new Dumb & Dumber DVD and a Classic Goofy Cartoons DVD today. I am pleased with the Goofy one. The Dumb & Dumber one, however, not as much. It has some alternate endings and bonus junk on it which is okay, but they sell it kind of falsely. I haven’t watched the whole thing so I don’t know for sure, but they advertise it as “Unrated” and I am pretty sure that it is just an extra six minutes from the original. Oh, well. I’m a sucker. Can I just tell all of you out there that 24 is the most awesome tv show ever. I have watched the first 3 seasons on DVD. I am racing through the 4th season right now (9 hours yesterday alone) hoping to be through it by Jan 15th and 16th when the season five 4 hour premiere airs on fox! Be there! I have a pretty busy comedy week this week with Giggles today, Crystal Lake on Thurs, and the Comedy Cafe Friday-Saturday. Hooray! Keep checking in with the website as I think it may be going through some improvements soon… I am hoping.