I just had a very upsetting experience.  I am 6’5” and so obviously, shopping for pants is just a horrible, horrible ordeal.  Normally I don’t do it.  Every pair of pants that I have right now has been special ordered through the internet.  And more than half of them were returned and had to be re-ordered because no 2 places’ sizes match up even remotely close.  I never owned jeans all through I think high school or college.  I just didn’t like them and they always made me feel like a cowboy when I wore them.  Anyway, at some point a couple of years ago, I got talked into buying a pair and they actually fit me!!  They were really loose carpenter style jeans from the Gap.  I loved them.  They had a little loop on the side for my hammer and everything!!  Anyway, I had them and eventually, as all things must some day wear out, they wore out.  Actually, I think the knee just got ripped right off when I was doing some dumb falling down bit in Madison. (that’s me bragging about my cool comedy war story and how I sacrifice ANYthing for the love of the game, bitch!)  So I took the jeans to gap and said, “can I have a new pair of these please?”  So I bought a new pair.  Well, now my 2nd pair is all worn out and pretty much crap.  The fact that my beard and hair make me look homeless is only aided by me trying to wear those jeans.  So I go to the Gap today and, son of a donkey’s balls, if they discontinued the only jeans that ever worked for me!  I tried on all of their other stupid dumb bullshit pants.  Straight, boot-cut, loose-cut, bucket-fucket, loose bucket, baggy faggy, and all that crap and they all made me feel like and 80’s rock-star.  I loathe shopping for pants more than anything.  The only reason I decided to do it is cause I have a gift card to the mall.  So, after giving up on the Gap, I went and tried to buy the DVD set of the Critc (hilarious show… cancelled more times than any show ever) from Suncoast, but they didn’t have it.  So then I see the Abercrombie and Fitch store.  Holy shit, people.  If you shop there, I don’t care if I offend you because I hate you.  That place is the most pretentious overpriced disgusting store I have ever been in.  I don’t even know why I went in.  I thought maybe I could run in, grab some jeans, and bolt out.  Not so.  As soon as I walked in the doorway, I was raped!   Okay, I wasn’t raped.  Actually, quite the opposite.  I was not raped at all.  I couldn’t find anyone to help me and the people that I am pretty sure did work there, really didn’t care too much about me.    The staff seems the all think they are more beautiful than the people on the posters they have covering their walls.  Posters of shirtless, flexing boys, mind you!  (This is true, in the changing room, they have a poster/ad of a guys pelvic area wearing jeans.  You can pretty much see his dick through the jeans, and all of the different parts of the dick were pretty much on display.  The caption said some shit about how their jeans accentuate the features you want accentuated.  Wow.  I don’t think I have ever wanted someone to see my penis-head while I am wearing jeans.  Maybe that is just me.) Obviously I don’t shop for my own clothes in stores so I didn’t know what the hell was going on, but I have been in stores before and this one is just awful.  I like to listen to my music loud, too, A&F, but give me a damn break!  You are a store, you’re not a damn nightclub!  Okay, I am getting flustered even writing about this topic so I will just tell you what I thought was out of hand.  I would say, “at the risk of sounding OLD,” but I am NOT old!  I am 26!!  And I think it is ridiculous for any store to sell jeans sitting on a shelf labeled, “destroyed” that clearly are literally DESTROYED, not “worn in,” or “homey,” but actually ruined… for SEVENTY dollars!!!  My jeans that I am trying to replace are in much better shape than those and I think I only paid like maybe $30 for those!  I am not saying I love the Gap.  I hate the Gap, too.  Why do they feel the need to just not make the same clothes more than twice.  My favorite jacket is from the gap and I hate most of the ones they have now.  It is falling apart and sown up in spots only because I can’t get a new one.  I have called.  They don’t make them.  Nor do they make the jeans I want… or the cargo pants I tried to get last month.  I think we should all wear one peace space suits like they do in the movies when they try to portray the future.
Wow, I apologize.  I don’t usually like to write all complainy stuff like this, but I just wasted a lunch break doing that so I am all crabby.  Wah!  Wah!

First of all, I would like to thank everyone that went to the Funnybone in Omaha, NE on Tuesday night.  I had a riot!  You guys are the best.  Thanks so much for being so supportive.  That was one of the most comfortable, fun, and relaxed sets I have had in a while.  Glad I could make you all laugh.  I think it looked pretty good to the club so thanks again for that, too!  I am hoping to put some clips from that show up here on the Media page soon.  Also, if you guys can think of any way I can improve my website or anything you would like me to add or change or something, please email me at “johnny@johnnybeehner.com” or click the email link below because I am in the process of working on some changes.  Thanks so much.  I promise to add some dumb crap in the next couple days.  A few shows have been added to the shows page so check that out.  This isn’t much of an update, I did want to make sure to say thanks, though!  Keep visiting the site.

            I am in Omaha, NE celebrating Christmas.  It is nice to be here.  I like Omaha, but for me, I can only take it in doses.  There is nothing wrong with Omaha, but for some reason, if I am here too long, I start to just go nuts.  I don’t know why.  It’s obviously my problem.  I think I was ready to leave Omaha a year before I did and that last year sort of left a bad taste in my mouth that echoes when I come back.  I love my family and I love my friends here, but if I am here longer than a week, I just go stir crazy because I have nothing else to do here.  I do my visiting, I do my reminiscing, then I sit and watch tv and get yelled at for not doing anything.  Omaha is a great city and I wish I wanted to live here, but obviously Omaha isn’t the #1 place to be based out of when traveling doing comedy.  Milwaukee isn’t #1 either, but it is PERFECT for where I am now.  And who knows, maybe in a few years, when I am doing nothing but comedy, I may be back in Omaha bumming off of a loved one’s couch to save on money.  Who knows, really?  Honestly, I hope to be in New York before anywhere else, but who knows. 

            I am excited because I am performing at the Funynbone in Omaha tomorrow night and I think it will be cool for a lot of my family and friends to be in the audience.  I am really excited for that.  I gotta figure out what I wanna say.  Actually, I am planning on having my brother, Scott, videotape it and so it should be pretty good quality… therefore watch for it on this site as I would love to put some clips of that show up here. 

            I hung out with a lot of people that I went to high school with and friends I haven’t seen in a long while last night at Clancy’s Pub in Omaha.  It was great.  Apparently a lot more people do visit my website than I ever realized.  (You guys need to be signing my guest book!!  Right now the only people that do are my brother and Conor and they always hide behind the guise of a dead president or Chuck Norris)  I would love to hear from all you buttholes.  I got the joy of riding home from Chicago to Omaha, NE with my grandparents the other day.  For a full description of that sardine experience, check out my blog on my myspace page. (www.myspace.com/johnnycomic)

    I would like to apologize to my enormous fan base for that lack of recent updates.  I have no excuse.  I was going to say that someone close to me died as an excuse, but if that person were to read this update, they might get confused and explode.  Probably not, but I have never been one to play the odds.  Tonight was a blast.  We had a show at the Tanner Paull… Yes, you read correctly, the TANNER PAULL!!!  I am not sure what an American Legion is, but that’s what the Tanner Paull is.  It actually sounds kinda like a patriotic skin sore.  I don’t think that’s what it was, though.  Anyway, it was a great show.  Tom Clark headlined and he is one of my favorite comics to watch.  He is from Milwaukee, which is neat, I guess, but I never really knew him well when he was here.  He lives in LA now.  I have met him several times and worked with him before, but it was just great to watch him be silly.  Russ Martin mc-ed and me and Tyler Kroll co-featured, I guess you would call it.  It was a blast.

I performed in Madison on Tuesday night in the finals of the WiSUC’s contest for the funniest person in Madison.  There were 8 of us.  Tyler and I were 2 of the eight and I am pretty sure he got 7th and I got 8th.  We don’t know because they only announce 1st-4th place and we were not any of those.  It was a lot of fun and Madison has a lot of great comics!  KeaLynn Keas was very funny, for example.  Anyway, the winner was Nick Mortinsen and he is pretty funny.  Let me just say I need to get ahold of his speech-writer!  Nevermind. :)   (I like it how I include inside jokes to myself that no-one not at the show would get)  He’s a good guy, so I am ending this topic right now.

I know I am always thinking this and saying I will do it, and I occasionally do, but not enough, but I do want to write a lot more.  I was checking out Nick’s website, which I can’t put a link up because I don’t know how to spell his last name and am too lazy right now to open a browser and find it, but its something like www.nickmortensen.com.  Anyway, he writes a lot and he does it often.  Not necessarily comedy, I have no idea how much he writes comedy, but he writes on his site a lot and I would like to start doing that more and more because I do think it is helpful. (and entertainment for Conor when he is bored at work)  I am trying to think of some dumb funny story to tell you, but I am drawing a blank.  Oh, here is one:  I am on myspace and a comic that I am not sure of who he is or if I know him (I am horrible with names and faces and really any other thing that helps people not be retarded in social situations), but he wrote me a message that I did not get until after the show tonight.  He wrote me asking me the address of the show tonight.  I got the message after the show and wrote back telling him that I am sorry I didn’t get the message in time and told him it was a great show and I am sorry he couldn’t make it.  Immediately after sending it, I realized that his picture on myspace looks an awful lot like a guy I talked to for a little bit after the show.  Moral of the story: I am totally retarded.        JohnHA of myspace, if you are reading this and that was you, it was nice to meet you.  If it was not you and you are reading this, I look forward to meeting you (if we haven’t met) and, again, I apologize for not getting your message sooner.  If you were there and you are not reading this… nevermind.

Today was the first time I had ever worn my Christmas sweater (which I have had for years years) outside of a family function.  Turns out… this is the ugliest sweater ever.  Here was my first clue.  I go into a meeting at my dayjob and my boss says to me, “Oh my gosh, Johnny.  That sweater, what size is that sweater!?!?”  I happily reply, “I’m not really sure.”  Then she continues, “Because me and my husband are hosting a Christmas party this year and we are trying to find just the most horrible, tacky sweaters we can possibly find.”  I played it off like I was in on the joke before I dressed myself this morning, but to be honest with you, when she said that, a little piece of me died inside.   If you would like to see a picture of the said sweater, please visit www.myspace.com/johnnycomic

    Sometimes its good to be a pussy.  Let’s say, for example, you had a horrible show.  It wasn’t necessarily the crowds fault, but…. Yes, it was.  There is only so much you can say to a completely drunk lady on her cell phone that only gets off her phone to yell out, “Tiny Wiener!!! Braghahahhaha!!!” once overy nine seconds.  Okay, so let’s say you have a horrible show.  So bad that you decide you need to drive through the weather advisory blizzard to get home just to get away from where this train wreck of a show took place.  So you check out and you are drudging all your bags and crap across the huge hotel parking lot which is packed because, let’s say Ashlee Simpson was performing at the theater attached to the hotel.  You are crossing the parking lot and an SUV drives up to where you are, stops and lays on its horn as if to say, “Get out of the damn way, you waste of life!!”  You are now at a cross-roads.  You can either be a pussy and do nothing, but hurry along OR you can drop your bags, turn toward the car, and yell at their windshield as loud as it feels good to, “What the fuck is your problem!?!?!”  Sometimes its good to be a pussy.  Believe it or not, this very scenerio happened to me in Merrillville, IN… “gateway to Gary.”  (I stole that joke from the tape they play before every show… I don’t even get it.)    I went with option: Pussy.  And thank God I did because it turns out, they had come from the show and their annoying honk was meant as a hello.  I know this because I got out of their way, they scooted up, rolled down their window, and said, “Good show, Beehner.  Too bad that lady was such a bitch.”  So that was nice.

I had some great shows.  It was great to work with Charlie Wiener.  He’s a great guy.  I felt like sort of a douche talking about how tough it is growing up with the last name “Beehner,” but I played with it and it was actually pretty funny.  It was funny checking into the hotel because they didn’t have my name in the system so they had to get on the horn with the higher-ups, and all I heard was, “We need a room for Beehner…. yeah, we got one for wiener….  No, Beehner.  Yes, Beehner AND Wiener…  Yes, that is kind of funny… Okay, thank you.”  Anyway, it was cool cause my friends, Gip, Sarah, Tim, and Mary Beth came to a show.  Their show was great.  The one before it, not so great.  60 year old crowds don’t care for poop jokes.  I heard at one point, in plain volume during a set-up, “Whose idea was it to come here???”   HA!