I had a great weekend this past weekend on a run with my buddy Brett Erickson.  We went up to Negaunee, MI and then did a show in Sheboygan Falls, WI at the “Odyssey Fun Center.”  Apparently, the word “fun” is Sheboyganese for “bowling and nothing else.”  I have some pics of us bowling, email me if you want one… please try not to bog down my server with the millions of requests I am now expecting.  My gramma came to the Sheboygan show.  That was nice of her.  Its not exactly easy telling descriptive stories about shooting diarrhea into a t-shirt while making eye contact with your grandmother.
The other day I was at Target and- Actually, let me begin this story by telling you that I don’t like pennies.  I guess they make sense (ha) and are necessary, but I don’t like em.  They are bigger than dimes and worth 1/10th the value!  To me, it’s not worth a dollar to carry around or even maintain storage for 100 pennies.  So generally, when I find myself in possession of these near-worthless coins, I look around and toss them at whatever they will look the prettiest hitting.  Usually its just the street.   Okay, so the other day I was at Target with my good buddy, Patrick.  I was walking through the parking lot and I found a few pennies in my pocket.  Actually, it was 7 pennies.  I guess that is more than a few.  So, naturally, I took them out and threw them over my head into what formed one of the most beautiful copper rainbow showers I have ever seen.  Just after they hit pavement, I notice this chubby little kid, who had previously been occupied playing with his feet, get up and run out into the street to get the pennies.  I walked into Target praying that my new well-fed friend doesn’t get hit by a car.  He didn’t.  Wouldn’t that be horrible if he did!?!  I don’t think that would make me stop throwing pennies away, but it might make me scan for chubbers before throwing them into the air.  So here is the part of the story that proves that the Christmas season is upon us. (This part of the story is just for people that believe in Christmas.  For everyone else, that was the end of the story)  So Patrick and I are in Target looking at the $1 section right by the door when the little boy comes up to me and in the most adorable meager voice says, “Excuse me, sir.  I think you dropped these.”  Isn’t that just heart-warming?  It sort of gives me a newly revived belief that there is hope for humanity’s future.  People actually ARE still raising their kids with morals and good judgement.  That just made my day when the kid said that…. Until I noticed he was only holding 6 pennies!  I grabbed that little punk by the collar so fast, picked him up, slammed him against the shelves, and shouted, “Nice try, mother-fucker!!  Where’s that other penny!?!?  You gotta get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on my dick-ass!!!  Now get lost!”  And then I kicked him in the knee.

I am pretty excited for this weekend.  I am headlining a show in Roselle, IL Friday night and Waukesha, WI on Saturday.  I don’t get teh chance to headline all that often.  Actually, the Roselle one doesn’t really count as headlining because I am just closing the show, but not doing a ton of time.  Waukesha will be a riot, though.  I added a couple new blogs to my myspace page so check that out if you are reading this right now only because you are bored at work.  Speaking of work, mine sucks and I really don’t care for it so much that tomorrow, my entire department is having a meeting because we are all in trouble because we all hate each other and are getting really sick of acting like we don’t.  Anyway, most of them are scared and dont want to go to the meeting.  I am actually excited because I have removed myself from that place so mentally and emotionally that I feel like I get a front row seat to someone else’s horrible situation.  It’s like having a hidden camera and watching a horribly violent break-up.  I just don’t care.  I don’t know if I wrote about it earlier, but I tried to quit!!  I tried to quit!!  With that in mind, I should not still be working there.  Somehow I am.  It actually works out great because I get paid to be there and not care, and it is pretty flexible for me and my travelling.  This new update isn’t very funny I am realizing.  Hmmm.  Oh, here is a funny story:   First of all, you know how sometimes you are talking to a person in a crowded place and you can’t hear them very well, but you are pretty sure that nothing of substance is being exchanged between the two of you so you cna sort of do the whole nod and “yeah” every once in a while- thing?  Well, I was out with my buddy, we’ll call him Patrick the Butthole, and we were talking to this girl in a bar.  She was saying a bunch of stuff and I couldn’t really hear her, but she was talking to me so when I recognized one of those pauses where it was probably my turn to respond, I just said, “yeah” with kind of an agreeing smile to it.  Her friendly smile dropped real fast and somehow the conversation was over right then.  Patrick the Butthole informed me that he was pretty sure she was saying something along the lines of, “I am out of shape and need to get exercising.”                                 Good night, I gotta go to bed.

What a great weekend in Appleton, WI at the Skyline. I love that club. I am wondering if I should get a new headshot or cut my hair. I have a couple showcases coming up and I dont want to hand the booker my press kit and have them look at me with my long hair and beard and ask, “Umm, who’s headshots are these??” Besides, I have never looked like I do in my headshot since the day I got that picture taken. I don’t know what is up with my hair on that picture. I think I will get new ones done soon. I am actually thinking of cutting my hair after the winter. It is just so easy to manage when its long like this. Not to mention, its beautiful. This may seem wierd, but having long hair actually helps me relate to women. It may sound crazy, but it kinda makes sense. Ya see, now every time I take a shower, my hair comes out and gets all stuck in the drain. I basically have to put it in a pony-tail every time I do my aerobics or go for a power-walk. I have to sit down every time I go pee. I always feel like I am either fat or ugly. However I do always smell like flowers. I have to sit down every time I go #2 now.

I am in Arkansas, or as they call it: Arkansas.  I am working the Loony Bin this week with Keith Lenart and Allyn Ball.  Both great guys.  We have had a lot of fun.  Last night, I think I had a little bit too much fun.  I didn’t go to bed til like 6 and I am paying for it now.  I had quite a few Wet Dreams last night.  That is the name of popular drink people were making last night.  That’s not what I am talking about, though.  The shows have been going pretty well.  The south is definitely a slightly different audience to play to.  It is good for me to get all over like this and learn how different people are.  I am not saying better or worse.  Just different.  And the accent here, on the right person can be quite sexy, I must say.  On the wrong person, however, it makes you want to punch them.  Holy shit, there is a guy bumming here at the condo because he lives to far away and he is in the other room snoring like a madman, but he is NOT asleep.  It is driving me nuts!!!  His snoring woke me up at 9 this morning.  How do you snore when you are just watching tv?!!??!  I gotta get out of here.  I am about to snap!

Halloween is over.  That was a fun holiday, I must say.  It’s just neat to see so many different jack-asses.  I would like to tell you about my haunted house experience.  Let me begin by saying that haunted houses are not fun.  Maybe it was me, maybe it was my mood.  I was definitely not in the mood to go, but a lot of my really good friends were going (and needed a ride), so I ended up going.  We walk up to the entrance and some dildo dressed up like a dildo tells us its $10.  We all back up and debate driving back home.  Then he comes back and tells us its only $8.  Hmm.  I guess we’re suckers for a rip-off because we ended up saying, “Oh, okay.”  Then came the crappy part.  As stated, I was already in a horrible mood.  Right after I pay, the guy says, okay, we need you in groups of 4 or less.  Well, guess what.  There were five of us.  Apparently this dildo didn’t have a whole lot of wiggle room (as ironic as that sounds) so….  Okay, let me just cut to the chase:  I go through this pathetic excuse for a haunted house with 3 complete strangers and bump my head on every single damn doorway because this thing has a 6’ ceiling and I am 6’5” and it was pitch black.  I have never wanted to punch so many people in all my life.  I am following these 3 people I don’t know who are having a blast screaming and laughing at all the assholes that jump out at them, while I am very calmly reminding each asshole jumping out at me that the guy at the entrance said they can’t touch me.  In closing I would have to say that my favorite part about the haunted house, (which was actually more of a haunted back of a big semi connected to a green house) was the fact that when I stepped outside the exit, I realized that at some point inside one of the gouls had spilled blue paint all over my favorite shirt.
My mom’s basement is scarier than that piece of shit place.